I was having a good, get-things-done day yesterday - town errands and some time in at the office - when my whole outlook was turned upside down. (And this, Mom, was one of the big reasons I was so down yesterday - I just didn't want to go into it then.) I had a business appointment with a dear friend, and, before we got down to it, we caught up on each others lives.
Here's the back story: before the ex and I split, we were 2 in a solid group of 5. There were a couple of years there when it seemed like we five did everything together. Then I started suspecting the ex of having an affair with the other woman in the group. But, bolstered by his reassurances that I was imagining things, I tried to "get over it", and we all continued on as before. Then, one of the guys in the group seemed to start "bailing out" on events and occasions to get together. We all wondered what was up with him: he never seemed to have a good excuse. So, we four continued on as before and missed Absent Guy.
Despite my every effort to ignore them, my suspicions about the ex and the other woman continued. Soon, though, the ex moved out and, all of a sudden, he and I were in the divorce process. And, by natural evolution, the group had disbanded.
So, yesterday while catching up with this friend, I asked him if he'd been in touch with the fellow who'd dropped out of the group first. [Also, I'd come to the (unconfirmed) conclusion that this friend may have also suspected (or known of) the affair that the other woman and my ex *HAD* been having (see, don't ignore your hunches!!) . . . and his discomfort when we all gathered might have been the cause of his absence.]
Anyway, my friend told me that, yes, he finally HAD heard from Absent Friend and had just been invited to his cabin for a visit . . . WITH "the other woman". And, he had GONE! I mean, he didn't seem to REALIZE that this was SO not cool!
Now, I realize, of course, that friendships / relationships change after a split or divorce. They seem to divide into His Friends and Her Friends. But, I just don't understand how someone can continue to be an honest and true friend to BOTH parties? That's a public statement of "I Support You". How can he support me AND appear to still support "the other side"?
I don't know - am I being selfish or unreasonable to believe that people should stick with the person who was "in the right"? Or, since this friend was not lied to HIMSELF, is there no harm / no foul? But, here's the thing, I DO feel that he (and Absent Friend) were lied to because they believed that our group was completely honest and above-board with each other. So, where is the accountability? That's what gets me. Why, in this day and age of so much shite in the world, is there NO ACCOUNTABILITY for a person's actions? Not holding people responsible is directly ADDING TO the garbage out there!
I'd like to think that, were the situation reversed and my friend had a wife (who was also MY friend) who had an ongoing affair, I'd take his side / the side of the person wronged. But, I don't know: I'm sure it's difficult for people who know (and care about) ALL the involved parties: the spouse, the cheater, the "other person". I guess I can see how it would be (hard). But, again, don't you need to draw the line SOMEwhere and say, "This is NOT RIGHT??"
Actions speak louder than words: even if you tell the person, one-on-one, that you don't think that what they did is right . . . but still go out with them, be seen to still be their friend . . . doesn't that tell the world that you SUPPORT them and/or their actions?
Okay, stepping down off my indignant, righteous soapbox and getting on with the day. Really.