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"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."
- Unknown

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger."
- Handed down through the ages.

"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."
- John Wayne


I was having a good, get-things-done day yesterday - town errands and some time in at the office - when my whole outlook was turned upside down.  (And this, Mom, was one of the big reasons I was so down yesterday - I just didn't want to go into it then.)  I had a business appointment with a dear friend, and, before we got down to it, we caught up on each others lives.  

Here's the back story:  before the ex and I split, we were 2 in a solid group of 5.  There were a couple of years there when it seemed like we five did everything together.  Then I started suspecting the ex of having an affair with the other woman in the group.  But, bolstered by his reassurances that I was imagining things, I tried to "get over it", and we all continued on as before.  Then, one of the guys in the group seemed to start "bailing out" on events and occasions to get together.  We all wondered what was up with him:  he never seemed to have a good excuse.  So, we four continued on as before and missed Absent Guy.

Despite my every effort to ignore them, my suspicions about the ex and the other woman continued.  Soon, though, the ex moved out and, all of a sudden, he and I were in the divorce process.  And, by natural evolution, the group had disbanded.

So, yesterday while catching up with this friend, I asked him if he'd been in touch with the fellow who'd dropped out of the group first.  [Also, I'd come to the (unconfirmed) conclusion that this friend may have also suspected (or known of) the affair that the other woman and my ex *HAD* been having (see, don't ignore your hunches!!) . . . and his discomfort when we all gathered might have been the cause of his absence.]

Anyway, my friend told me that, yes, he finally HAD heard from Absent Friend and had just been invited to his cabin for a visit . . . WITH "the other woman".  And, he had GONE!  I mean, he didn't seem to REALIZE that this was SO not cool!

Now, I realize, of course, that friendships / relationships change after a split or divorce.  They seem to divide into His Friends and Her Friends.  But, I just don't understand how someone can continue to be an honest and true friend to BOTH parties?  That's a public statement of "I Support You".  How can he support me AND appear to still support "the other side"?

I don't know - am I being selfish or unreasonable to believe that people should stick with the person who was "in the right"?  Or, since this friend was not lied to HIMSELF, is there no harm / no foul?  But, here's the thing, I DO feel that he (and Absent Friend) were lied to because they believed that our group was completely honest and above-board with each other.  So, where is the accountability?  That's what gets me.  Why, in this day and age of so much shite in the world, is there NO ACCOUNTABILITY for a person's actions?  Not holding people responsible is directly ADDING TO the garbage out there!

I'd like to think that, were the situation reversed and my friend had a wife (who was also MY friend) who had an ongoing affair, I'd take his side / the side of the person wronged.  But, I don't know:  I'm sure it's difficult for people who know (and care about) ALL the involved parties:  the spouse, the cheater, the "other person".  I guess I can see how it would be (hard).  But, again, don't you need to draw the line SOMEwhere and say, "This is NOT RIGHT??" 

Actions speak louder than words:  even if you tell the person, one-on-one, that you don't think that what they did is right . . . but still go out with them, be seen to still be their friend . . . doesn't that tell the world that you SUPPORT them and/or their actions?

Okay, stepping down off my indignant, righteous soapbox and getting on with the day.  Really.



  1. gggggggggggggggggggm hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrmmm7677iyyhhhb n mmmm yjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj njk, lmkkkk

    The above is a very wise message from Bundle of Joy to her Auntie.

    I wish we could make it all better!

    There are so many sticky social situations to wade through these days. It seems like there is no right and wrong. Everyone is just excused for their behavior based on their own view point, their own excuses about why they did what they did. It stinks! What happened to integrity and personal responsibility, anyway?
    -Love and hugs from Bundle of Joy and Mrs. Tanglewoods

  2. Patty, I LOVE it! Thank you! Bundle of Joy's message brought me my first real smile of the day! :) Thank you, too, for your words. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. One thing I failed to mention in my rant (!) is that I realize that it is HARD WORK to stick to your beliefs and convictions . . . which is why I think many people avoid them. Meaning, it would be harder / more difficult / more uncomfortable to say, when seeing Former Friend in town (especially a small town), "I'm sorry, I just can't be friends with you right now" than just grabbing that cup of coffee with them and IGNORING their transgressions!

    Anyway, THANKS! :) xo

  3. Your post brought up memories of bad times from my past. I have not shared them with many so can not (will not) go into it on open air. Just remember to be true to who YOU desire to be as a person. You can not control the thoughts of others. I made a lot of bad decisions out of anger and grief. Try to avoid doing that. Keep what is best for you, moving forward, on your priority list every day. Live the way you want to be valued in the world. Fortunately or not, other people will come and go. Stay in touch with the best ones.

  4. Wow, DogsMom, well said. And I'm sorry my post brought you memories from the past. :( I think venting my frustrations / anger here is one of the things that DOES help me be kind and civil in "the real world". Too, just getting it OUT (which, apparently, took me 3 whole posts today!), lets me get it out of my head and MOVE ON! And, yes, not having any control over what others think is one of my biggest struggles.

    SO glad you posted! :)

  5. It's sad to think this way, but sometimes I feel most of society has lost all sense of what is morally right or wrong. People don't think things such as cheating on a partner are "that bad." Because of the influence of TV, movies and advertising and what is portrayed as "normal," people are fully accepting such bad behavior as . . . well, normal. Everybody does it, they say. There's no distinction between (what I think is) immoral sexual (or other) behavior portrayed in our society as entertainment than that of real life. (You think you have reason to be totally pi**ed off at someone for doing you wrong? Well, get a gun and shoot them. Kill them. Blow them up. How many murders/crimes are portrayed on TV or in movies regularly? How de-sensitized do we get to what should be unacceptable behavior just by seeing it portrayed before our eyes ALL THE TIME?)

    Also, you have to consider that a mutual "friend" may be getting two entirely different stories from each person who comprised the couple. Who (whom?) should the friend believe when the one creating the falsehood may be capable of being just as convincing as the one telling the truth? Doesn't say much for the liar, but that seems to be done a lot these days, too. Lying, that is.

  6. Wow. Grrrrr! Ok, one thing I have learned from the been there done that camp, is this:

    Divorce isn NEVER a clean cut down the middle. Observe...Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. Now tear it. Does it tear clean? Nope. Parts of each other are on the other sides. And this includes your friends even. Right, wrong or indifferent. And if you need reassurance on that, your Mama NAILED it.

    These people are not getting "your truths". They are getting their truths. And man-o-man can they be warped.

    Stick to what you know my friend. And that is that YOU are outstanding!!!!

  7. Hey, APG - This mama thanks you for your oh-so-wise words to her daughter. Bless you.

  8. I think Mama nailed it. People seem to see so much of "live and let live" on tv and in books that they fail to differentiate from FICTION and what is morally right in real life. I tend to say what would have been morally right would have been to be a friend back when the first suspicions arose and pulled the parties aside (and that includes you!) and that friend should have said "look, grow up, cut it out, you're hurting people", etc etc. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to cause riffs in such a small community now by severing a friendship, yet at the same time you need to allow yourself to feel betrayed... you were. Your feelings are "caused" by being brought up in a morally stable family and by good role models of what love, marriage and family should be in real life, not fiction. I have no answers, just know that I support you in all your feelings, they are justified. Sorry I'm late to the post, gotta go catch up on your others now too!


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