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"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."
- Unknown

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger."
- Handed down through the ages.

"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."
- John Wayne

It Was Hard

It was hard coming home tonight.  Not physically.  Emotionally.  When I called Mama & Papa Pea to tell them I'd arrived safe & sound, instead of my usual, "We're home!" I said, "We're here!"  I'm not sure where or what 'home' is, anymore.  And, I have a feeling that I won't for a while.

And . . . I don't know what to say about it.  This isn't a situation I can "get out" of my system.  It simply IS.  And it sucks.  (I never say that word out loud because it bothers me more than even The F Word - go figure - but it's so apt sometimes.)

But, I guess I need to "talk".  After all, I'm here, aren't I?  Bonzi, the cat, just waddled up to me.  'Waddled' being the most important word.  She is sooooooo fat!  And, when Dosie, the dead cat, and Jinx, the baby, need so much food to keep meat on their diabetic and growing bodies, respectively, it's downright impossible to keep Bonzi from eating.  Soon, though, it will be lovely enough outside for me to throw her outside before I leave each day.  Then, Dosie & Jinx can eat all the food.  Matter of fact, it HAS been that lovely . . . guess what poor kitty's gonna experience tomorrow morning?!

I digress.  My, how easy it was!  ;)

Anyway, when I did get in tonight, I spent some time puttering out in the garage.  That was a foreign enough move (on a "school night" when I'm ordinarily exhausted . . . which I am underneath the anxiety) that it helped.  I visited the little cabin tonight that I told you about before - the one located just outside of town and to which the owners have basically given me carte blanche.  It felt good to be there, to be in that space, and the anxiety only began as I drove nearer Swamp River Ridge away from town.  How alien it is to NOT feel my most comfortable, content, protected, and safe here . . . as I always have before and always thought I would be.  

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on the little cabin and am making lists of items to bring there.  That's what I did tonight out in the garage.

This cabin is rustic in the sense that there is no electricity nor running water.  But, the laughable comparison is that it's WAY more finished, inside, than this Swamp River Ridge house.  Heck, the sheetrock there is even painted!  ;)  I loaded a splitting axe and a small one for kindling into the car.  Next time I drive the truck in, I'll bring a maple splitting block.  I packed oil for the axe blades, too.  I filled a counter-top multi-drawer storage unit with screws and nails and small tools.  Grabbed a digital thermometer and stud finder . . . which need new batteries before they go into town.  Got my cordless mini circular saw out as well as the drill.  Battery packs and chargers for same.  I think I'll be able to leave the chargers plugged in at Mama & Papa Pea's.  Put two pair of loppers in the car, too; one has extendable arms.  The little cabin needs some trimming & cutting back of trees & branches.

The point of all this, which may be incredibly boring to you, is that I need to focus on the new . . . and try to make that somewhat exciting.  Otherwise, I ain't got much.

But, instead of ending on such a Debbie Downer note, here are the aforementioned cats.  Remember how I've said that Bonzi & Dosie (who used to be inseparable until Bonzi got fixed & Dosie got sick) have nothing to do with each other anymore?  Well, here are Dosie & Jinx.  They've hung out together a lot since Jinx arrived back in November:

And here's what happened as soon as I took the above picture:

Ha!  Looks as though Jinx is a little . . . startled, eh?  ;)

Okay, off to bed.  Oh, sweet Mollie, will you send me another note via the Kontactr form on the blog?  I couldn't get your e-mail address (from it) to respond.


  1. I'm still very sad when I read your posts ,because it brings back"not good memories for me in the same ,same" but on the other hand ,this could be a adventure,write a book,in your spare time (I know,what spare time?) a new -old - cabin in the woods,it will be sort of like one that"Thy Hand" referred me too for my grandson,"The Other Side Of The Mountain"about a boy who runs away from home in the city to the forest and carves a home in a tree ,than trains a eagle to hunt for him,sounds just like something you could write about and become famous,thats how much faith I have in you

  2. I can't imagine how hard it is right now, having to give up that dream of Swamp River, but you are an amazingly strong woman. You will find a new dream, maybe another homestead. For now, just take it one day at a time, breathe (don't forget to do this), and you will be fine.


  3. I'm thinking of you :) One day at a time...

  4. Okay, while I love & APPRECIATE your comments, WHAT were you whack-jobs doing UP at the hours you posted these comments????!!! ;)

  5. Thank goodness for something positive to focus on - and another challenge! Up to which you are fully and completely able. I know about the loss of that feeling of safety. It sucks. Plain and simple. (Hate that word as well, but it fits the mood.) Love the cat pictures - Jinx looks horrified! Will we be seeing pictures of the Cabin? Love and strength to you, dear CM.

  6. I just read your last post, and I'm sorry to hear the crap you're having to go through, but I have to admit, that cabin sounds NEAT!! Area we going to get to see it?
    When you get a chance, could you email me? carolynrenee at centurytel dot net.
    And of course, YAY for the kitty pictures!!

  7. You know yourself so well! Which is a wonderful and rare thing. "Home" is so important to you and I think making your new home your new focus is absolutely the right thing to do to get your through this. You are so smart!!! Proud of you, as always. :)

  8. It's been tough lately, following your pain each day. Not as bad as it's been on you, obviously, but each of us who follow your blog, are wishing you well each day as we check in and hope for good news. Today's post feels like a little bit of progress. A baby step, to be sure, but it's good to read that you're focusing on preparing for whatever comes next. My heart is with you, and I wish only the best for you in this next chapter of your ongoing adventure. It's interesting that you're moving much closer to town and still need all those pioneer tools. You're still the lady homesteader, just in a small cabin instead of that big huge expanse of wilderness. My hopes for a better tomorrow go with you, and if I can think of something you might enjoy, I'll send it along. Haven't thought of the right thing yet though. Good wishes for a lighter heart.

  9. I don't know about the other whack jobs but those ARE my normal hours-OK,I lied ,normal is about 4:00 but I have been i my normal state a lot more than usual-worrying---lol


If you are familiar with me and where I live, please respect my right to retain some anonymity by not referring to me by anything other than Chicken Mama nor mentioning city/town/villages by place names. Thanks!