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"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."
- Unknown

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger."
- Handed down through the ages.

"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."
- John Wayne

STILL Cleansing

Okay, more soul-searching / cleansing required.

I got a private, e-mailed response from a friend in regards to my post from this morning, and a good point was made:  I don't know WHAT the ex told our mutual friends or how he may have portrayed our marriage.   And, dummy me, I was assuming that he told the truth . . . which is why I'm so flabbergasted by people still choosing to support him just as much as they do me.

I was reminded of a time immediately following the ex's horrible accident when a person who I thought was a dear friend, reamed me up and down - out of the blue - about how I was "killing him" with our lifestyle, the pressures & responsibilities of our (mutually chosen, may I interject) life at Swamp River Ridge.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  Literally.  I listened with an open mouth while she raved and ranted and then quickly excused myself from the dinner table as I burst into tears.

I remember thinking, "WHAT could he have told them that she is so vehemently accusing me of all this?"

Well, in retrospect, he was probably saying that he was unhappy with SRR.  Its associated responsibilities, etc.  But, did he also share that I kept ASKING him "what's wrong, are you okay?" and he'd always reply, "Nothing.  I'm fine"?  Probably not.  

I was SO worried about him during that period.  I KNEW he wasn't happy, but he wouldn't tell me WHY.  He wouldn't tell me what changes he wanted.  Might he have portrayed me as a nagging wife since I was always asking?  Very possibly.  But, did he share what he also knew:  that I was only "nagging" in an effort to get him to TALK to me?  To open up to me?

Has he told people about the physical spreadsheet I spent hours on during the days of his convalescence . . . an "if this, then this" version to help him decide what he wanted in life?  It began with the most important question:  "do you want to be married to me?"  He said yes.  Second most important question:  "do you want to live at Swamp River Ridge, at least part-time?"  He said yes.

I know he was also resentful of me "getting to stay home all the time" (i.e. be a homemaker).  I asked him, time and time again, "Okay, then.  Do you WANT me to go get an outside job?"  He always said no.  How did he portray this issue to friends?

I got him one on one, private counseling.  He said it wasn't doing much good, so he stopped going.  We went to marriage counseling.  The (idiot) counselor said, clasping her hands together, "Oh!  You two are going to be JUST FINE!"  Why, because we were polite and considerate and not screaming at each other during our sessions?

I've already said (in previous posts) that, after he moved out, I offered to do WHATEVER was necessary to keep our marriage together:  sell SRR, move into town, move to another state, whatever.  He said no.  DOES he tell these people this?

So, what - of all these things - was/is he not sharing with our friends?  I'd like to believe that he wasn't making bold-faced lies about our relationship to them, but perhaps that is naive and ignorant.  I think it's certain that he was telling lies "by omission".

Okay, thanks for listening.  Obviously, I'm still working thru the fallout from divorce.  And I suppose I always will be.  It's just aggravating how I can be going along just fine for months at a time, and then WHAM! - one of these minor molehills trips me up and becomes a mountain for me to scale.


  1. You were never going to win this one. He knew what he was going to do all along and unfortunately all your efforts in any direction just didn't matter.

    But it is HIS loss. Not yours. You will see this someday. Someday I promise you will feel good again! Promise!!

    I love you!

  2. and me too-you know -she is right[APG ] thats life--you know the old saying [ forget it-your not that old ] but I WILL TELL YOU ANYWAY--THAT'S LIFE"WHATS LIFE" ITS A MAGAZINE "HOW MUCH DOES IT COST "IT ONLY COST A QUARTER BACK THAN " I HAVEN'T GOT A QUARTER " " THAT'S TOUGH" WHATS TOUGH" --------LIFE-at least you don't bring home the garbage my daughter does-next month should be fun-her last ,next, or last god I hope not] gets out of prison next month. maybe she should become a a ...... or I mean gay.but anywho,he is not allowed near my house anyway

  3. I am positive he only portrayed things to generate sympathy for him. On that note, remember that all these friends probably have no idea of his entire previous life history as well, right? Since he was fairly new to the community and circles of friends, he was able to portray any version of himself he wanted, and there would be no reason to question it. People that have a history of needing "to find themselves" on a regular basis are usually those whose history goes much deeper than whatever is the current situation. Gosh I can't wait for a special person to find you and treat you with respect and love for the wonderfully honest, refreshing and sexy gal you are - it really bothers me when the "good" people like yourself are taken advantage of. I have another friend here that is going through something similar and I'm fuming. They started a farm TOGETHER, with him the main force behind the speed and scale with which it was done, and now she found out he's been cheating. She threw him out immediately and is entitled to "farm support" (because she filed for a farm stand license, good girl!) since it's an "official business", but he of course had someone to run to and she is left devastated and struggling to get too much work done. This stuff just shouldn't have to happen to good people. I'm rambling now...

  4. Ms. Apple Pie, you know, you are the best! (And you love me - yayyy!) Your comment REALLY helped me get through that day: "you were never going to win this one".

    OH MY GAWD. You're right! I never looked at it this way! While I don't look at the situation as "win or lose", that is just SO true: there's NO way I can win this one. I mean, no ACTUAL way. There's no way I can let EVERYONE who knows us about the entire back story. Duh! I guess I couldn't see the forest for the trees. That took such a load off: realizing that I shouldn't even TRY (i.e. worry about it) because . . . what point is there? Besides, talking to you all here is a bit like preaching to the choir. You all "know" me and know the history as its unfolded (if you're a long-time reader). Yep, it was totally a light bulb going off: DING! So, thanks for being my little light bulb. :)

    Note: I said LIGHT bulb, not dim bulb. ;)

    And, I do have a great outlook and feel good about myself 95% of the time - it's just these whallops that hit me upside the head out of the blue from time to time!

  5. judy, hey, I have an old LIFE magazine in my magazine rack right now! :)

    And, oh, geez: I'm so sorry! I can't IMAGINE what it would be like to have a grandson who you couldn't allow near your home or love like you wanted!

    Your comment, too, pointed out to me that I do need to remember that many others would HAPPILY take on my frustrations in trade for their own! The grass ain't always greener on the other side! :)

  6. Time tells all truths my sister! And that is when you will find the redemption you deserve...for wrongs you didn't even commit! Funny how that works. But it REALLY does! Glad you are feeling better xoxoxo

    Dim Light (admittedly)
    I have no shame :oD

  7. Ms. Apple Pie, dim BULB, not dim LIGHT, you dimmy!

    (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

  8. Erin, yeah, I just don't know. You may be spot-on. He always represented his ex-wife (1st wife) to me EXTREMELY complimentarily - matter of fact, I don't think I EVER heard him say a bad word about her - and I admired him for that. But, now that he will be again / we are in a small community where people know both of us, who knows. Blech. But, I just have to remember that I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT! Maybe I should write that on my mirrors so I see it each time I'm down!

    I do really hope that what goes around, comes around, tho . . . 'cause, some days, it just doesn't seem like it does! (Good people being one day rewarded.) Still, I'm gonna stay on that high road, 'cause that's just how I roll! ;)

    And, if / when you think the time is right and it may be helpful, put your friend in touch with me! I'd be more than happy to lend an understanding ear, you know!

  9. HAHAHAHA! And this is why I love you!

  10. Some days I feel like I SHOULD GO BACK TO SCHOOL OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I assume people know what the hell I'm talking about and confuse people so--it is not my grandson whom I won't allow IN MY HOME, it is her 3 useless boyfriend.He has stolen my bank cars ,all my meds,has lived on the street most of his life and will do anything for his drugs so let your mind wonder ,think of the worst stories of crack heads and all the rest and that would be him.

  11. OMG-JUST DELETE ME PLEASE-SAY JUDY TMI-you have enough of your own problems

  12. judy, I'm RELIEVED to hear that it's not your grandson! Sorry I misread that! :)


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