Okay, more soul-searching / cleansing required.
I got a private, e-mailed response from a friend in regards to my post from this morning, and a good point was made: I don't know WHAT the ex told our mutual friends or how he may have portrayed our marriage. And, dummy me, I was assuming that he told the truth . . . which is why I'm so flabbergasted by people still choosing to support him just as much as they do me.
I was reminded of a time immediately following the ex's horrible accident when a person who I thought was a dear friend, reamed me up and down - out of the blue - about how I was "killing him" with our lifestyle, the pressures & responsibilities of our (mutually chosen, may I interject) life at Swamp River Ridge. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Literally. I listened with an open mouth while she raved and ranted and then quickly excused myself from the dinner table as I burst into tears.
I remember thinking, "WHAT could he have told them that she is so vehemently accusing me of all this?"
Well, in retrospect, he was probably saying that he was unhappy with SRR. Its associated responsibilities, etc. But, did he also share that I kept ASKING him "what's wrong, are you okay?" and he'd always reply, "Nothing. I'm fine"? Probably not.
I was SO worried about him during that period. I KNEW he wasn't happy, but he wouldn't tell me WHY. He wouldn't tell me what changes he wanted. Might he have portrayed me as a nagging wife since I was always asking? Very possibly. But, did he share what he also knew: that I was only "nagging" in an effort to get him to TALK to me? To open up to me?
Has he told people about the physical spreadsheet I spent hours on during the days of his convalescence . . . an "if this, then this" version to help him decide what he wanted in life? It began with the most important question: "do you want to be married to me?" He said yes. Second most important question: "do you want to live at Swamp River Ridge, at least part-time?" He said yes.
I know he was also resentful of me "getting to stay home all the time" (i.e. be a homemaker). I asked him, time and time again, "Okay, then. Do you WANT me to go get an outside job?" He always said no. How did he portray this issue to friends?
I got him one on one, private counseling. He said it wasn't doing much good, so he stopped going. We went to marriage counseling. The (idiot) counselor said, clasping her hands together, "Oh! You two are going to be JUST FINE!" Why, because we were polite and considerate and not screaming at each other during our sessions?
I've already said (in previous posts) that, after he moved out, I offered to do WHATEVER was necessary to keep our marriage together: sell SRR, move into town, move to another state, whatever. He said no. DOES he tell these people this?
So, what - of all these things - was/is he not sharing with our friends? I'd like to believe that he wasn't making bold-faced lies about our relationship to them, but perhaps that is naive and ignorant. I think it's certain that he was telling lies "by omission".
Okay, thanks for listening. Obviously, I'm still working thru the fallout from divorce. And I suppose I always will be. It's just aggravating how I can be going along just fine for months at a time, and then WHAM! - one of these minor molehills trips me up and becomes a mountain for me to scale.