I am SO tired tonight. This will be incredibly brief.
The chickens are finally beginning to lay with some regularity again!
All of the animals (well, most: the dogs, cat, & geese) are completely batty tonight due to the full moon. I'm dreading a night of many interruptions (to my sleep). I let them in w/in the past 15 minutes, and now they're already growling & yipping again, wanting to go out. Were it summertime, I'd just leave the front door open (there's a dog door in the screen door), and they could come & go as they pleased, all night long. These nights sure are absolutely gorgeous, but when the dogs don't sleep it invariably seems that I don't either. Hmph. Darn, wacky moon.
After taking care of The Peanut yesterday, I stayed on at her parents' house to partake in a family evening. Since her aunt and uncle and two girl cousins from St. Paul were visiting their cabin (on adjoining property) AND Nana and Papa were up, too, it was a night to be celebrated. Nana and Papa are my folks' age and were homesteaders up here back in the 70s, too. The Peanut's daddy, uncle, and auntie and I all grew up here together. And, since I've become Boppee to The Peanut, I've been fortunate enough to become an even closer member of their extended family.
On the down side, it was the first gathering since Tom and I have split - the first one for me to be attending solo. I did fine until about 7:30, 8:00. Because I had a relatively early morning today and an hour's drive home (followed by chores once I got here), I knew I needed to leave earlier than the rest, anyway, but very suddenly my social stamina was nearly gone. Not even the strong Myers' & Cherry Cokes I was downing could keep me goin'. Fortunately, everyone was pretty involved in going upstairs to watch a Minnesotan compete in the Olympics on TV, and so it was only The Peanut's mama who was savvy to my mood. I made it allllllmost to the door before the sobs got me. She (the mama) just held and held me (a feat in itself considering she's about 5'2" and 103 lbs. on a good day). Finally, I said, "I HAVE to leave!" The can't-possibly-hide-'em wails were right around the corner.
It wasn't until I was in the privacy of the truck that I realized the kitchen window might still have been open . . . and open to the sounds of my sobs. I'm still crossing my fingers, though, that it was closed by then and/or the sound from the TV would have kept my sadness from reaching the ears of everyone inside. I cried until I reached town (they live on the other side of town from the side I drive in to / out from). Only 10 minutes or so. But, obviously (!), I needed to get that out.
Going thru this . . . situation . . . between me and Tom, this break-up, has brought up some interesting social reactions (I guess you'd call 'em) for me. For example, the timing of when I cry and when I don't seems to be off. At least, 'off' from what I expected. I find myself in many situations, talking to friends & telling them what's going on, when I feel like I SHOULD be crying . . . but it's just not there. Instead, the emotion hits totally unexpectedly like it did last night or as soon as the "amen"s were said following the dinner blessing at dear friends' last Monday night.
Okay, that's kind of a downer to end on, but I think I'll be lucky to keep my eyes open long enough to stumble across the hallway to the bedroom. More tomorrow.
I hate that you are going through this, but you have to go through all this emotional garbage to get on with everything else that lies in store for you. Nobody expects you to be happy all the time when you are in such turmoil. It is so nice that you have such a close relationship with your family and friends for support. I know they would fix everything if they could, but chalk it up to a big crappy, sucky time in your life, but it will get better and you will be left with good memories and the promise of more to come. The social thing will take awhile, finding a "new normal", right?!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you had such a difficult time. The break-up of a committed relatonship is very much like a death and grief can hit you when you least expect it. Be gentle with yourself and how wonderful that you have such wonderfully understanding and encouraging family and friends-a true blessing indeed!
ReplyDeleteOkay, this may sound unfeeling, but it is truly meant to help you to feel as well as you are able.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are in a bad state of affairs, as you surely are presently, you may wish to remember how much better off we are than sooo many other folks. It is a time to feel pain but, eventually, to feel strong and okay again. Not yet, and not for maybe a long time to come, but you will someday.
When it gets really dark for me, I find that about the only thing that helps is to recall that as bad as I feel, I need to recall how much worse off I could be. My wife and I have a child and when I start to feel down because of my currently rather significant problems, I remember that I have the joy of his being and his health, and his incredible potential for a beautiful life and I am okay for awhile again.
It is a time to hurt now, but you do need a little soul medicine to keep putting one foot in front of the other. For me, I try to minimize my situation by comparing my state to those who would trade to be in my shoes. Then, I feel a bit ashamed to be so caught up in me!
As I began, this may sound unfeeling because it may sound as though I don't think you should have a good cathartic cry every day, or more. I do think you should. You should do all that you can to grieve hard. When, however, it all gets almost too much to think about, remember others who would step into your world and be grateful for the chance. I want you to find respite and so I have told you what I do.
Do whatever you need to feel okay for as much of the time as possible. Lean on your friends; they want you to do so. Tell your family how you feel, they want to soothe you. Remember that lots of folks care for you, even some at a distance, and will do anything you need for help. Ask for it, both you and they will feel better.
xo
Oh, I wish I were there to lend you a shoulder and give you a hug. My marriage ended about 5 years ago after 23 years. I was heartbroken, still am in some ways; but believe me, it will get better in time. You just have to give yourself time -- time to grieve, time to cry, time to laugh, and time to feel happy again about all the things you're accomplishing on your own. I've come to relish and enjoy my alone time, and I truly believe you will too. You're so strong and so capable! My gosh, you're running a farm and taking care of all those animals on your own, girl! You're already an awesome force. And remember, you always have friends if you decide you want to spend time with folks.
ReplyDeleteCry when you need to cry
ReplyDeleteAsk for help when you need the help.
It will get better in time and it is going to take that time for you to heal.
I know all the animials need to have the chores done, but take the time you need for you. Even if that time is to sit and watch a bird or a flower (think spring) Weslie your life has taken a downward slump but it will get better with time. I think about you everyday and pray for you.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, but it will get better and get a good lawyer.
God bless sweety.
you know, I can relate to the social thing and I knew that custody wasn't just going to be about the kids. If you broke up, being at the same parties and get togethers is not where you want to be..so who gets what friends and what do you do with the memories of the times before?? and still, 16 years after a break up, where a memory flies in and I'm hurt by some people who I felt were my friends, who chose my ex to invite... you get out the photo albums or remember some party somewhere and think- WOW! I never thought I'd be the one out... but on a similar note, I have drawn so much closer to some other people and some of them who were only tolerant of him because of me! (I like them best!) Chin up.
ReplyDeleteOh! You are ALL so wonderful! Jean, the last paragraph made me almost choke on my PB&J! (I laughed out loud!)
ReplyDeleteI can't TELL you how much I appreciate all this. Like I spread my arms wide when I tell The Peanut how much I love her, THAT'S how much I appreciate all of you!
Dear Anonymous, you know, I DO compare my situation to yours from time to time, and I would take mine ANY day over yours. Please tell your wife to not give up on me & my schedule - we WILL get together. :)
Genny, WELCOME and thank you for the kind words. I guess I'm grateful that this is happening after 10+ years of marriage vs. one like yours at 23. That would be an even bigger hurdle to jump.
As time passes and I reflect, I realize that our relationship (as it needed to be for a healthy commitment / marriage) was over a looooong time ago. As the old saw goes, "Hindsight is 20/20."
Finally, Karen Sue, yes: friends are coming forward with sentiments (like the above!) that are deeper and more meaningful than I ever would have guessed. Amid it all, I do know that I am SO fortunate in life. :)