* * * * * * *

"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."
- Unknown

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger."
- Handed down through the ages.

"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."
- John Wayne



Dear Tourist . . .

Dear Tourist,

Why do you leave your brain at home when you vacation?

Dear Tourist,

No.  We do not have a public bathroom.

Dear Tourist, 

Of course you may steal.  We don't mind.  In the slightest.  Really.  And thank you for putting the package back on the shelf after you removed and pocketed the four action figures inside.

Dear Tourist,

No, I do not know the weather report.  Nor do I know the percentage likelihood of rain tomorrow.  I am not a weather forecaster.

Dear Tourist,

No.  We do not have a bathroom.  Where do WE go?  (Are you kidding?)  I'm sorry, ma'am, but we have no public bathroom.

Dear Tourist, 

If you blow your nose on that skein of green yarn and then put it back on the shelf . . . and are unlucky enough to be seen doing so by yours truly . . . I will make you pay for it.  Literally.  (But wasn't it nice of me how I took you quietly to the side instead of busting your Jersey @ss in front of your family?)

Dear Tourist,

No, I won't throw that away for you.  There's a public trash can just to the left of the front door.  They're marvelous inventions and can be found on most street corners around town.

Dear Tourist,

At what stage of development do deer turn into moose?  At the same point of maturation as you learning to remove your head from your . . . .  Oh, never mind.

Dear Tourist,

Never mind the signs plastered all over the front door:  come on in with your coffee, your pop, your whatever.  And, yes, I found the open Styrofoam cup of water today that you left tucked behind the animal urine anti-enzymes.  What a fitting place.

Dear Tourist, 

If you sneak into the back room through the clearly marked PRIVATE door and find your way down the dark hallway to our PRIVATE bathroom and proceed to have EXPLOSIVE diarrhea ALL OVER the toilet and bathroom . . . please have enough consideration to clean up after yourself.  And that includes the wall.  And the toilet brush.  And, yes, that splotch behind the door (??!!!!), too.  (Three guesses, dear reader, who found the mess.)   

Dear Tourist,

No, that one million dollar (souvenir) bill for sale for $1 is not real.  Really.  It's not.

Dear Tourist,

If the size 8 fits your left foot and the size 8 1/2 fits your right foot, can you buy one of each?  No.  You must buy two complete pairs.  Two 8s, two 8 1/2s.  That's how it's done.  What you do with them afterwards is your business.

Dear Tourist Local,

No, you may not return that package of underwear after you ripped it open and tried one of the pairs on in the dressing room.

Dear Tourist,

Your son's fingers are covered in bandages.  Why are you buying him a pocketknife? 

Dear Tourist,

Of course, you may unravel that entire skein of yarn to make sure it's not two ends tied together.  Matter of fact, let me help.  It will get you out of the store quicker.  Yes, with all 8 skeins.  Come, let's do it together.  It'll be fun.

Dear Tourist,

If you want to wear those shoes that you're buying out of the store, yes, I really will need to inspect them both to make sure that they're the same size.  'Cause, you know, one could be an 8, one could be an 8 1/2.  It's been done before.  Trust me.

Dear Tourist,

The dressing room is full?  Then, please, drop trou right in front of me 'n' God 'n' everybody.  It's okay.  I've seen it all before.  Besides, I watch TV.  Nothing's taboo anymore.

Dear Tourist,

HOW is it possible that ALL your cheese slicers and can openers simultaneously self-destructed over the winter?  Seriously, I can't keep them on the shelf.

Dear Tourist,

If you choose to empty your bladder onto the carpet of the dressing room and are caught, you can expect to stay to scrub it out.  It's that or the cops.  Your choice.  

Dear Tourist,

Is it safe to go on the Indian reservation?  No.  Absolutely not.  They will skewer you with a balsam branch and then roast you alive over an outdoor fire.  Many wampum will be traded for your scalp.

Dear Tourist,

You want me to help you find a shoe that "is comfortable"?  No problem.  You like the one you're currently trying on but think you should maybe try one in YOUR ACTUAL SIZE to see if it feels better?  Good idea.

Dear Tourist,

There's a reason there are twelve signs saying, "PLEASE!  Don't bounce the balls in the store!"

Dear Tourist,

Do the two jingles that the gumball machine plays over and over day after day after day after day bother me?  Nooooooooo.

Dear Tourist . . . .

 

19 comments:

  1. No WAY! Oh, Girlfriend...I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at people the same way again.

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  2. so nice that you love your job, LOL, I would not last a day.

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  3. I am totally disgusted! What the heck is wrong with people?

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  4. Oh. My. God.
    People are morons.
    Nuff said.

    PS Hilarious. Sorry YOU have to get stuck dealing with it.
    We get em here too. ONly it's FOUR WHEELERS through our yard and trash all up and down the road, and loud parties all night, cuz hey, it's THEIR vacation. Bastards. Sorry, Mama Pea. I mean Bad People.
    :D

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    Replies
    1. Rat bastards. Indeed. But UGH! that you have to deal with the (no offense intended to any of you GOOD 4-wheelin' folks) idiot four-wheelers! That would be wayyyy worse. A was talking to a gal yesterday who owns a local campground with her husband, and they experience the same thing there - and with random cars (teens, I'm thinking) driving through the campground at any hour of the night, just for sh*ts. Keeps her husband up. I wouldn't have THAT job for anything!

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  5. This is why I fear for the future of the human species.

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    1. CR, sometimes I WISH for a total collapse of these great United States just so the gene pool WOULD - and rather quickly - be weeded out! I think all of "us" strong homesteading-types (if not in practice, then in mind) would do just fine. ('Course, that's painting too light and broad a brush stroke on such a catastrophe, but I think you know what I mean!)

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  6. Funniest thing I've read lately - thanks!

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  7. GAH!! People are so moronic at times! Most is just simple common manners! I worked at a fabric store for years, my last day, hour, minute was when a mom brought her 3 sons about 14-10into the fabric store and they were playing catch in the store...across the store, running plays. After I helped a 80+ lady off the floor that they'd knocked down I grabbed the ball & held it till the Mom came over chewing me out for taking her precious babies ball. Because the old lady was in the way & I was a stupid B#$@h, she was never coming back.. I said thank you and held the door open. Took us nearly 3 hours to clean up, My last day of retail after 10 years in that store.

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  8. It does make you wonder if these 'folks' are like this 24/7/365, or if they believe that being on vacation in someone else's town gives them license to revert to their chimpanzee ancestors. And I apologize to chimpanzees, who seem to have more sense and better manners than these nimrods. You must have nerves of steel. I see a book in here somewhere...

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  9. Well, the interesting thing is that it wasn't even "one of those" days yesterday! I mean, it wasn't pleasant (mostly due to the heat again), but it wasn't one of those days when I thought I'd lose it. (Hmm, maybe I take that back: I *did* seriously think about having a cocktail over my lunch hour! Probably a good thing that I was occupied on the phone with the credit union during same hour!)

    But, yeah, after you've worked in a restaurant (check) and after you've worked retail (check), you'll NEVER be ANYTHING but as good, understanding and patient as you possibly can when you eat out or shop!

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  10. I loved them!!! Ah, the life of a storekeeper in a tourist town!

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  11. GREAT rant and rave. Thanks for speaking up for the loco locals wherever we may be! And may we never be that ugly tourist. -"M"

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  12. Living in a tourist area all my life, I can so relate!

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  13. Living in the vacation zone for Quebec and New Jersey I so relate to these!!! I went to the grocery store this morning and out of the 32 cars in the parking lot 27 had Quebec plates LOL! It is crazy how tourists treat our area, seemingly forgetting that some of us have to live here year round and if they destroy the place it doesn't "magically grow back" for them every winter, nope we have to fix it LOL! I will say that the Quebec families don't litter like the New Jersey tourists, they are just rude LOL. They will come to the beach and set up their chairs about 4 feet in front of another group so as to block their view when there is a whole beach available for them, aaaaargh!!!

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