So, to clarify: the issues I found here at Swamp River Ridge were just the rotten icing on a triple-layer sh*t filled cake. THAT was the reason for my plea to the almighty: I've had THIS kind of day and now you throw MORE at me from the sanctuary of Swamp River Ridge?!
I've debated just how I should address all this stuff I've been going through these past few weeks (and hitting the low point - I HOPE - on Thursday) without falling into the Airing Your Dirty Laundry In Public trap. But also without continuing to protecting the ex, as I seem to
So, let me put it this way: my marriage was not what I thought it was. My ex-husband is not the man I thought he was. I think (?) I have finally been told the whole truth, and, in a way, it was a release of sorts.
Previous to these last couple of weeks, I'd been struggling with the How To of an amicable divorce. How much do you still do / share / visit with this person who was your daily life for the past 14 or so years? But a person who also left you, left the commitments of your marriage vows? Well, with the revelations that came this past week, I finally felt the apron strings break. A bit of an Oedipal comparison, you say? No, sadly, an accurate choosing of descriptive tags. Our marriage had turned into more of a parent / child relationship than a healthy, romantic pairing between two healthy adults. It's a relief now, to know that those (unhealthy) ties as well as the marital links have been severed . . . and were severed long ago . . . I just didn't know it.
I appreciate those who told the truth: better late than never. But, that doesn't change the fact that irreparable trusts, relationships have been rent in two.
It's all been handled in a very "adult" manner - no throwing of crystal vases nor destruction of priceless pieces of objets d'art. Although, believe me, there have been times when I so desperately wish I WERE that kind of person! I've only made one public spectacle of myself: collapsing into the arms of a dear, dear friend at her place of work on Thursday.
My sobs were the loud, ugly, gut-wrenching kind. In a tiny corner of my brain, I heard feet running and doors slamming as her fellow employees scattered from the building to give us privacy. It struck me as funny at the time, and I made a tiny mental note to giggle about it later. But, now that I relive it, I realize what an incredibly selfless, KIND gesture that was of those folks! This is a tiny town: they could have quietly remained at their desks all the while collecting quite an earful. But, no, generosity and empathy prevailed.
I remember a large form (the husband of another dear friend) kneeling down next to me and taking me into his arms, whispering, "I'm just going to put my arms around you and hug you." It was a transfer of safe place to safe place as my confidant (also sobbing now) ran to gather her car keys and purse. Leaving my car where I'd parked it, complete with key in the ignition and purse and cellphone on the passenger's seat (another advantage of a small town: I knew it would be watched over - although, quite frankly, at that moment I didn't really care), she hustled me into her car and sped home where we spent the afternoon crying, drinking tea, warming ourselves from the outside in before the crackling woodstove, and playing with her new puppy. What better therapy is there than an oh-so-soft floppy, wet-nosed puppy?
So, yeah, to those of you who tend to "read between the lines", there have been an inordinate amount of lows lately. Lots o' shoulda, coulda, wouldas. But, those times / opportunities are in the past. Now I just need to put one foot in front of the other (remember those baby steps!) and move forward. Do I have my health? Yes. Do I have Swamp River Ridge? For today, yes. Do I have money? No. But do I have possibilities plus friends and family that will get me through? Yes.
Peace out. :)