* * * * * * *

"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."
- Unknown

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger."
- Handed down through the ages.

"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."
- John Wayne

Clarification to my Previous Post

When I finally got into town yesterday after the gas truck had come and put $2,536.20 worth of LP in the tank (but, really, who's counting their pennies?  certainly not ME!  a-hem) and the technician and I had gone through all the system checks (I'd been down to 1% left in the tank!), Mama Pea pointed out that the way I'd written yesterday's post suggested that the propane problem was the thing that had made my day so miserable!  Really?  I re-read the post with an outsider's eye, and, yep, she was right!

So, to clarify:  the issues I found here at Swamp River Ridge were just the rotten icing on a triple-layer sh*t filled cake.  THAT was the reason for my plea to the almighty:  I've had THIS kind of day and now you throw MORE at me from the sanctuary of Swamp River Ridge?!

I've debated just how I should address all this stuff I've been going through these past few weeks (and hitting the low point - I HOPE - on Thursday) without falling into the Airing Your Dirty Laundry In Public trap.  But also without continuing to protecting the ex, as I seem to be have been (past tense) hard-wired to do.  And, while hopefully still retaining some grace, I am d-o-n-e doing that.

So, let me put it this way:  my marriage was not what I thought it was.  My ex-husband is not the man I thought he was.  I think (?) I have finally been told the whole truth, and, in a way, it was a release of sorts.

Previous to these last couple of weeks, I'd been struggling with the How To of an amicable divorce.  How much do you still do / share / visit with this person who was your daily life for the past 14 or so years?  But a person who also left you, left the commitments of your marriage vows?  Well, with the revelations that came this past week, I finally felt the apron strings break.  A bit of an Oedipal comparison, you say?  No, sadly, an accurate choosing of descriptive tags.  Our marriage had turned into more of a parent / child relationship than a healthy, romantic pairing between two healthy adults.  It's a relief now, to know that those (unhealthy) ties as well as the marital links have been severed . . . and were severed long ago . . . I just didn't know it.

I appreciate those who told the truth:  better late than never.  But, that doesn't change the fact that irreparable trusts, relationships have been rent in two.

It's all been handled in a very "adult" manner - no throwing of crystal vases nor destruction of priceless pieces of objets d'art.  Although, believe me, there have been times when I so desperately wish I WERE that kind of person!  I've only made one public spectacle of myself:  collapsing into the arms of a dear, dear friend at her place of work on Thursday.

My sobs were the loud, ugly, gut-wrenching kind.  In a tiny corner of my brain, I heard feet running and doors slamming as her fellow employees scattered from the building to give us privacy.  It struck me as funny at the time, and I made a tiny mental note to giggle about it later.  But, now that I relive it, I realize what an incredibly selfless, KIND gesture that was of those folks!  This is a tiny town:  they could have quietly remained at their desks all the while collecting quite an earful.  But, no, generosity and empathy prevailed.

I remember a large form (the husband of another dear friend) kneeling down next to me and taking me into his arms, whispering, "I'm just going to put my arms around you and hug you."  It was a transfer of safe place to safe place as my confidant (also sobbing now) ran to gather her car keys and purse.  Leaving my car where I'd parked it, complete with key in the ignition and purse and cellphone on the passenger's seat (another advantage of a small town:  I knew it would be watched over - although, quite frankly, at that moment I didn't really care), she hustled me into her car and sped home where we spent the afternoon crying, drinking tea, warming ourselves from the outside in before the crackling woodstove, and playing with her new puppy.  What better therapy is there than an oh-so-soft floppy, wet-nosed puppy?

So, yeah, to those of you who tend to "read between the lines", there have been an inordinate amount of lows lately.  Lots o' shoulda, coulda, wouldas.  But, those times / opportunities are in the past.  Now I just need to put one foot in front of the other (remember those baby steps!) and move forward.  Do I have my health?  Yes.  Do I have Swamp River Ridge?  For today, yes.  Do I have money?  No.  But do I have possibilities plus friends and family that will get me through?  Yes.

Peace out.  :)


  1. You are a very strong woman! I have been there, trying to be "nice", not say what I wanted to because it might "look" wrong, etc, and I often lose it, very publicly (can you say "football game?") You are right, time to let go and move forward. You can do it... Sorry about the Gas pennies also. Ouch!

  2. We ALL have lows no matter how wonderful our lives really are. The problems of the homestead kind are to be expected when you chose that kind of life, and you handle it magnificently!! But if I were you, I would top off the tank every two months or so ... not quite so expensive ...
    The problems of the heart are harder to handle because you have a harder time letting go of the good times and seem to build them up so that the bad (or low) times are forgotten more and more. When an epiphany hits you, you need to grieve, and probably grieve hard, until you are spent. I think that is what has happened to you. You also slipped away from the New You, and need to get back to that person.
    Sorry for the long post, but you are such a strong and wonderful person that I just had to speak up.
    Ouchy, ouchy to the gas pennies!!
    Many, many hugs

  3. So sorry W! Few things break our hearts and our spirits more than betrayal, but now that the truth is out, there's no more ugliness waiting in the dark to jump out and get you. As much as this hurts, in time I hope you'll be able to see it as a gift-the gift that helps you let go fully and move ahead with confidence-no more secrets, no more dreaded revelations. What a blessing that you live in and enjoy such close community where folks close ranks when one of their own is hurting. You are such a strong woman and I see amazing opportunities on the other side of this! In time you'll be the one knowingly helping and giving support to someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation. In the mean time, be gentle with yourself and be blessed by those who love you so much and are standing with you!

  4. How I wish I could give you a hug, but you will have to have a virtual one. It's heartfelt, nonetheless. I think Becky put it quite eloquently, so I'll just add that we all love you and it's true that sometimes you have to go through such pain to come out stronger in the end. But knowledge is powerful and so are you. You are a wonderful, special woman and it can only get better from now on.

  5. You can and should let it out, in whatever form that takes, a blog without a peek into the writer's real life is a boring one, and I commend you for putting (quite mildly, I think) out what you are going through. There are many of us who would love to help out in any way we can, even if all we can offer is a sympathetic ear due to distance. I'm only sorry this happened so long after the "settlement", since he would have been responsible for so much more than you received since you were taking the high road and trying to do things amicably. Shame on him for seeing how much you were sacrificing and hurting and being "nice" at the same time and not saying anything. Brutal, but I hope he gets to AK soon so you can heal and take comfort in your friends and family without the added pain of seeing him around town and having to "share" friends that were once yours alone. I'm probably rambling, but you know what I mean. Strong woman you are - but know that it's okay and healthy to break down once in awhile and take help when it's needed. Easier said than done for us Type A personalities, but you'll get there. Love & hugs...

  6. I wish I could take you out for a w(h)ine night - a virtual hug will have to do until July. Hang in there!

  7. I haven't been in touch lately. I'm VERY sorry to be reading about how hard things have been for you. Hang in there, friend. Hopefully, soon the sun will be shining in more ways than one! Hugs...

  8. You needed that good cry. I have no idea what is all happening?
    Things have not been good for a while and finally letting it go is the start to healing. Love ya

  9. So sorry to hear you've been suffering so these past weeks. So often we are under the impression that crying is weak, when really it is such a healing thing to do. Take care of yourself and here's to better days ahead!


If you are familiar with me and where I live, please respect my right to retain some anonymity by not referring to me by anything other than Chicken Mama nor mentioning city/town/villages by place names. Thanks!