I've been home for four of the past five days, and I've hardly gotten a THING done. Oh, sure, I got that wall temporarily up and finished, and I rearranged and cleaned the living room. And replaced the filter in the fish tank (a much larger task than anticipated). And finally pulled out the stereo and took it apart and got it working again (after well over a year of annoying broken-ness). But, I still haven't done anything regarding Christmas. Christmas! It's my favorite time of year! I love hearing people talk about it, hearing carols played on the radio, hearing Lynne Rossetto Kasper asking Isaac Mizrahi what the holiday trends are in New York this year. I want to bake cookies, I want to wrap gifts, I want a tree! I just. Can't. Seem. To. Do it.
I guess it's no surprise, given my past year, but I don't understand why this, of all seasons, seems to be getting to me. It wasn't like Christmas was huge to the ex: I was always the one to do the decorating of both house and Christmas tree myself. So, maybe it has nothing to do with the divorce at all. Maybe it's just that I'm so completely and utterly exhausted. The holiday season always requires that extra PUSH from all of us, and maybe I simply don't have any reserves left on which to call.
Maybe I'm outta whack because of the full moon. And the full lunar eclipse. I dunno, but it's something.
It's not that I don't want to celebrate; I do! I just . . . seem to have to take baby steps on my way to getting there. Maybe my tree this year will be like my cards: a New Year's tree. I know I'll be sad if Christmas passes over Swamp River Ridge, but I'm just not sure how I'll get there. But, it does help to get this all out of my system by writing it down here. Cathartic and all that rot. ;)
And, yeah, I do need to focus on what I got done those first two days ("the wall") rather than the complete wad of NOTHING I got done in these past 48. Bah! Humbug! (See, I guess I do have it in me!) Okay (and feel free to skip over this self-indulgent bit), let's remember what I did get done these past two days. I . . .
- Did chores both days (chickens, geese, fed the furnace, chopped wood, hauled water).
- Pretty much emptied out the car from the big city trip.
- Did quite a few dishes.
- Unpacked and assembled two new lamps.
- Drank an entire bottle of wine.
- Made myself decent meals. That still tasted gross. (See, I am out of whack.)
- Tried to rid the refrig of the smell that is still gagging me just in its recall (rotten lettuce, I think).
- Made a candle. (One. Whoo-freakin'-hoo.)
- Put the digital trail camera up down the driveway yesterday. Changed the batteries today. It still won't work. How much cold weather do they tolerate? Seems like they're not much good if they don't work half of the year!
- Cleaned up the kitchen.
- Did a load of laundry.
- Got some business card work done for a client.
- Worked on some Christmas presents.
- Did a little online ordering.
So, with that complaining out of the way, I'll sign off. And, yes, I realize I'm bitching and moaning. Yes, I realize I truly have NOTHING to complain about (especially when I think about a friend whose husband and father to her two little boys returned safe and sound from a tour of duty in the Middle East today).
I'm going to shut down the house and trundle up to bed. I've never been much of a person for a before-bed routine, but I think it will help my body settle into the "you're going to bed now" idea if I do the whole take-off-the-makeup, brush-your-teeth, wash-your-face.
Adios! I'll letcha know how tomorrow's early alarm goes!